


turn this house into a home

by possumdnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Coming Out, Family, Introspection, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 12:12:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19295500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possumdnp/pseuds/possumdnp
Summary: A 2009-centric fic about starting to find pride in your identity for the first time, and finding family who helps you do that (even if it’s not the family you were born into)





	turn this house into a home

**Author's Note:**

> I took a bit of liberty with the prompt of ‘pride,’ going off the word itself and the wider concept of starting to take pride in multiple areas of your life (including sexuality!). Hope you enjoy!

It’s been a long time since Dan’s really felt proud of himself. So long that he can’t really remember what it feels like.

He thinks he felt that way when he was little and did something that seemed monumental at the time, like climbing to the top of the tree in his nana’s garden. Five-year-old Dan had nothing to worry about except existing (now existence is so much harder, and it’s _all_ he worries about).

And he supposes that once upon a time, when he did theatre, he had been proud of the roles he played (but only his nana ever came to all of his productions, sometimes accompanied by his mum, when she wasn’t too busy with work or his brother). 

Nowadays, he feels a sense of accomplishment when he finishes a particularly hard video game, but is that something to be properly _proud_ of? ( _And who’s going to care about that?_ he hears a voice in his head that sounds rather like his dad say. _It’s not like it’s helping you study for your A levels or get a job._ )

He’s certainly never been proud to be part of his family.

He knows it’s a thing that other people experience. He’s heard it from characters in movies: “This family’s gotta stick together, no matter what,” or “I’m glad we’re family,” or else drawing positive similarities between their family’s mannerisms or looks.

The only things he seems to have got from his family are his father’s height and thick, unruly curls, his mum’s boring brown eyes, and his whole family’s lack of being able to express emotions productively. So yeah. He’s never been “proud to be a Howell” or some bullshit like that. (Especially when every day growing up was hell and they never seemed to notice or care.) 

And, like the cherry on top of the mess that is his life, he’s never felt proud of his sexuality. Liking boys always came tinged with shame and sadness. He knows that some people deck themselves out in rainbows and march in pride parades and kiss out in the open to show others that they exist.

The very thought makes Dan want to hide. Despite labeling himself as bisexual on the internet and to some of his emo friends in the past, thinking of himself that way just feels like _too much_ sometimes. It feels like a bully’s fist connecting with his side, feels like the sting of shame when the word “gay” gets thrown at him like a weapon.

\---

And then Phil comes into his life. Even if nothing else in his life makes him proud, being with Phil _does_. He wants to take all the pictures and videos he can of them together, as if to show the world that Phil is _his_ , and that he is _Phil’s_. Spending time with Phil makes him feel _whole_ for the first time in his life. Like he matters. Phil cares about him. He always responds with enthusiasm when Dan posts videos, or tells him he had a not-shit day at work, or completes a video game. 

The romance that has blossomed between them these past few months has been great. The best thing he’s ever experienced, actually.

It’s so much more than it had been with his ex-girlfriend. That semblance of a relationship had made him feel simultaneously empty inside while also filling him completely with guilt.

And being with Phil is so much more than when he had hooked up with those few guys at parties this past summer. Those moments had felt good and had confirmed what he had tried to deny for years. But he never saw any of those boys again after getting off with them. They didn’t love him, and he didn’t want them to.

Being in love with Phil feels wonderful on all levels. Kissing, touching, simply being in each other’s presence, the very _thought_ that Phil likes him back _._ It all feels like a warm blanket wrapped around his heart.

But even more their romance, the _actual_ best thing he’s ever experienced is the true, deep friendship they’ve built through tweets, texts, and hours-long skype calls. Their connection was formed and cemented on mutual trust and communication. They understand each other better than anyone Dan’s ever been friends with before.

He hasn’t told Phil everything about his past yet. How do you explain over a decade of pain to someone you’ve just started talking to half a year ago? But Phil does know quite a lot about his family. He knows some about the bullying Dan went through at school. And he knows about the confusion and fear when it comes to his attraction to boys.

Dan’s never been able to talk about _that_ particular subject before, and having conversations with Phil about it is a relief. He _gets it_. He’s also grown up in this confusing world while being attracted to guys.

Phil might not have been bullied relentlessly, but Dan knows that he hasn’t had an easy go of it either, like how his dad didn’t take it as well as he’d hoped when he came out to him. Things are a lot better between them now, but Phil says it still hurts to think back on. He’s also told Dan that sometimes it really bothers him when people see him as not masculine enough, and that it especially hurts when the people saying it are his own family members.

They’ve skyped late into the night many times, and that seems to bring out their emotional vulnerability and honesty with each other. They haven’t told each other some of their deepest, darkest secrets yet. Some things are still too hard to talk about. One day, maybe. For now, they want to spend their time simply enjoying each other’s company, which is the easiest thing of all.

\---

Dan meets Phil’s family for the first time in November.

“They know I’m not straight,” Phil told him one night over skype. “I told them earlier this year.” Phil doesn’t like keeping secrets from his family, which Dan can’t relate to.

When he meets them, they don’t know that he and Phil are more than just mates. That’s not a secret exactly, because there’s nothing really to keep _secret_. He and Phil are still in that weird middle ground between not-platonic friends and official boyfriends.

Even though Phil clearly adores his family, Dan had expected the first meeting to be awkward and filled with forced politeness, because that’s just how interacting with other people’s parents has always been.

But he gets along with Phil’s mum and dad right from the start. They’re kind to him and immediately treat him like a person who matters, a person who is interesting and not an annoying twat. Every night, they all sit down to family dinner together, and it’s homecooked, and it feels like a scene out of a goddamn movie. When Dan tells them a stupid story about something that happened to him at his ASDA job, they listen to his every word and laugh in the right places.

Dan leaves Manchester feeling relaxed and happy, already wishing time would fast-forward so he could just skip over going home.

\---

It’s three very long, lonely weeks before he returns. Every person he remotely liked from school is off at uni, and all of his internet friends live too far away. The days seem to drag on. When he’s not holed up in his room with his laptop, Dan finds himself spending more time with his nana. That’s always nice, because she’s one of the people he feels happiest around besides Phil. 

And then finally, he’s back up north. Things between them shift this time around. With Phil’s parents away, and Dan staying for nearly a week, they’re able to do as they please. And that takes the form of a conversation that leads to an upgrade in relationship status. They’re _actual boyfriends_ now, and Dan’s heart gives a little leap of joy every time he thinks of that.

The days pass in a blur of happiness. Dan’s life consists of sleeping in Phil’s bed, playing video games, talking for long hours about everything and nothing, staying up too late watching movies, and Phil Phil _Phil_. And before they know it, it’s Dan’s last night there.  

“I kinda want to tell my mum and dad that you’re my boyfriend,” Phil mumbles. They’re tucked close together in bed, feeling drowsy but not wanting to sleep yet, because time together is limited and precious.

“Why?” Dan says. He expects to feel fear twist in his gut at the thought of telling someone, but all he feels is calm warmth. For some reason, the thought of Phil’s parents knowing doesn’t scare him. 

“I dunno.” Phil twists a strand of Dan’s hair around his finger. “I just don’t want to pretend you’re just my friend when I talk to them. I want them to know how important you are to me.”

Dan’s quiet at that.

“I don’t have to, Dan. It’s okay. I’ll never tell them if you don’t want me to.” Phil’s voice is soft and gentle, but firm. Dan trusts him completely. “It’s just, they already know I’m into guys. And they adore you. They’d be fine with it.”

“They _adore_ me, do they?” Dan says, smiling.

“Of course. They thought you were really funny and polite.” Phil slowly pets through Dan’s hair several times before continuing. “Y’know what my dad said after you left last time? He said that ‘ _Dan’s parents must be so proud to have a son like him_.’”

“ _Oh_.” His voice cracks a bit. Even though it’s a compliment, it makes him feel like shit. 

Phil pulls Dan closer to his chest. “You’re an incredible person, Danny. My most favourite person ever. I’m sorry your parents don’t always see that.”

“You’re really lucky, Phil. It scares the fuck out of me to even think about telling my parents anything like this.” 

“Maybe one day.” 

“Maybe.” Dan doesn’t believe that’s possible, somehow.

“I won’t tell my parents,” Phil says tentatively. “It was just something I was thinking about, I suppose. I’d much rather you be comfortable.”

Dan lifts his head and looks Phil in the eyes. “No, tell them,” he says. “I want you to.” It feels rebellious in the best possible way. Screw the people in his own past who said that this was wrong. Phil’s parents are safe people to tell, and Dan wants to celebrate the only positive thing in his life as much as he can.

\---

The next time he’s sat on the train to Manchester, he stares at the passing scenery and worries. He’s not a nervous person by nature, not really, but for some reason, meeting Phil’s parents again, this time as his _boyfriend,_ makes his stomach flutter and his palms sweat.  

They’re going to _know_.

They’re going to take one look at him and think, _This kid is_ gay _._ _This kid is gay, and he’s with our son, and I really think he’d be better off dead, and-_

No. He’s _not_ thinking like that anymore. And Phil’s parents aren’t the bullies from his school, or his father, or anyone else who’s said nasty things to him his whole life. Phil had said they’d reacted positively when he told them that they were together.

And as it turns out, having your boyfriend’s parents know that you’re, well, his _boyfriend_ , is a fucking _miracle_ that Dan didn’t know he needed in his life. 

When he and Phil arrive home, Phil’s parents greet Dan at the door with big hugs, to which he responds too stiffly, not expecting such a response to his very presence. The affection feels bizarre, like he’s suddenly living a stranger’s life, like this house is suddenly a place he’s never been to before.

But as the week progresses, that feeling fades, because as it turns out, now that he’s honorary family, or whatever, Phil’s parents are somehow even warmer and kinder, and Dan kind of loves them even more than he did before.

For one, this time around, they don’t assume Dan’ll want to sleep in the guest bedroom. They don’t even make weird comments about it when they head upstairs to sleep in the same room, in the same bed.

_(“Why are you always going up north to see your friend? He can kip on our couch if he wants,” Dan’s own mum had told him, when he told her he had bought his fourth set of train tickets to Manchester in two months.)_

Why? Because up north, they don’t have to sleep apart. He can sleep in Phil’s bed without worrying about parents walking in to find out a secret about him he has no intention of sharing. Sure, he and Phil still have to be stealthy about having sex, because the thought of Phil’s mum and dad overhearing them fucking (or, god forbid, accidentally walking in on them) is almost enough for Dan to want to become celibate for this whole week. ( _Almost_ being the key word here. Because Phil is too hot for that, and they don’t see each other enough as it is. Skype sex is _not_ the same.) But if that did happen, the worst that would happen would be mortification from everyone involved.

But it’s not just about sex and sharing a bed. Phil’s parents knowing that they’re boyfriends also means that they can casually express their affection towards each other without worry. Which Dan _definitely_ isn’t used to yet.

The first day of his visit, Phil’s mum walks in on them hugging. Dan instinctively shuffles away from Phil’s warmth, putting a foot of space between them. He stands there, noodle-arms folded like a shield over his chest as she asks them a question.

“You don’t have to move away,” Phil says softly after his mum leaves the room, and Dan has cautiously taken a step back towards Phil. His voice is gentle and understanding. “She doesn’t mind, I promise.”

By the end of the week, when she walks in on them cuddled together under one blanket on the sofa, Dan sees that she doesn’t even blink, just smiles and asks if they fancy a game of Scrabble. Dan tells himself it’s okay because she’s safe and kind. Despite his racing heart, his voice is steady when he tells her that yes, he very much would like to play Scrabble.

\---

Phil’s mum and dad treat him as his boyfriend, yes, but they also seem genuinely interested in Dan as a person.

“We’ve watched a few of your videos!” Phil’s mum says. “Phil’s showed a couple. You’re a very creative young man, you know.”

“If law doesn’t work out at uni, maybe you should go into video production like Phil,” his dad adds.

Dan thanks them and tries not to cry (he doesn’t tell them that his own parents don’t even know he’s a youtuber).

\---

If he’s being honest though, one of the things he likes the most about spending time up north is that it’s not his hometown. Phil’s neighbourhood is cute, and it’s just a bus ride away from Manchester, which Dan thinks is a brilliant city. In some ways, it feels more like _home_ than Wokingham does.

Up north, he can walk around town with Phil without constantly living in fear that he’ll run into one of his school bullies, or even worse, his ex-girlfriend or one of his old school mates. Phil hasn’t pushed wanting to see Dan’s hometown, and Dan is relieved. He’s honestly afraid to bring Phil to Wokingham, afraid somehow that his gentle, kind spirit will be contaminated and broken by the very things that did the same to Dan. He can’t let that happen.

Up north, Dan feels almost like a different person. A person that he kind of actually… _likes_. It’s a foreign feeling. He hasn’t felt affectionate towards himself in forever.

And so he thinks, while he’s laughing over dinner at a joke that Phil’s dad made, maybe if he can’t be proud to be a Howell, maybe he can be proud to be an honorary Lester. (It’s not a thought he expresses to Phil. It sounds utterly stupid in his mind, like he’s a kid drawing cartoon love hearts with “Mr. Daniel Lester” scrawled in the middle. But it’s a thought that brings him a bit of comfort in the weeks and months that follow, when he’s stuck in his childhood home, wishing to be back up north.)

And for the very first time, he thinks that maybe it’s not a bad thing that his sexuality is what it is. He always hated it before these last few months. It just made him a target, and it was something he wished would just go away. He would have given anything to just be straight, if it had meant that people would have just left him the fuck alone.

But now… 

Now, for the first time, he’s glad he’s bi. Or not-straight. Or kinda gay. Or- _whatever the hell he is_. Maybe not _proud_ yet, not the sort of proud that has people coming out to the whole world or wearing rainbows. Having people see him as gay still terrifies the fuck out of him.

But if it led him to being able to call Phil his? Finding a safe place to call home, filled with people who actually like him, where he can start to express himself? That’s something to be proud of, and something he wouldn’t change for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Dan’s video has made me have a lot of feelings since it was posted, not the least of which is that I’m so glad he and Phil found each other. But I’ve also been thinking about what comfort Phil’s family must have been to Dan, since he was always going up north before they lived together, rather than Phil going south. 
> 
> Lots of feelings and thoughts= this fic, apparently.
> 
> I don’t pretend to know anything about their lives, especially about things like when Phil might’ve come out to his own family, or when they might’ve told Phil’s family about their relationship. So idk if this timeline is realistic, but it is my optimistic, fanfic vision of the world that I would wish for young Dan to have had in his life at the time.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! This is the first phanfic I’ve been brave enough to post. You can reblog it over [here](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/185731151675/turn-this-house-into-a-home-rated-t-29k) on tumblr. Maybe I’ll write more in the future!


End file.
